An "Uggh" kind of weekend

It's Sunday night. I wish I could say the weekend went fast. It felt like a long one, and tomorrow being the 4th of July, I hope it goes fast too.

I knew, going into the weekend, that it probably wasn't going to be a good one. Here it is, it's only Sunday (not far from Monday), and we are dirt poor already! I'm glad tomorrow is a holiday because it means that there will be one less day for Dennis to need gas to get to work.

Earlier today, we decided to go for a walk on a nature trail out at Beltzville State Park. I thought it would be a good idea, since it was something we could do as a family that would cost us nothing. I felt it might do Dennis some good too, since he's been stressing pretty bad about his job lately. The walk was nice, even though we took a wrong turn and ended up walking pretty far out of the way and off of the trail. Not a big deal, it was good exercise! As we walked the trail, all Dennis really talked about was his job and how he should maybe try and find a new one. One that pays more and has plenty of overtime. He loved the overtime when he first started at this place and loved that he could go and buy things that we needed when we needed them.

As I sit here tonight, I feel alone, ashamed, embarrassed, depressed, and sick. I have tons of laundry in piles in the laundry room, and it will have to wait until Friday. I don't even think we have enough clothing to make it through a week. Our hot water will not last until then either. Every Friday, Dennis buys $12 worth of kerosene to dump into the oil tank for heat and hot water. We obviously don't need the heat right now, but we do need the hot water, and thankfully the $12 lasts us the week.

I'm so tired of this struggle. I don't like to live like this, yet I do nothing to change it. I should be able to go out and get a job. Dennis really doesn't want me to until the boys go to school. That's 2 years away!!! How will we ever make it???? I had the perfect job, working at home. My darling brother is making sure that I don't get it back. I know I shouldn't dwell on this, but it really upsets me since I've bent over backwards many, many times for my brother only for him to do this to me. My brother laughs and thinks it is funny that he is basically taking food off of our table. We are a family of 6, and he is a family of 3, with 2 of them working. Not funny at all to me. He and Dennis work at the same place, yes, Dennis got him in there. My brother is mad at us right now, for reasons I'm unsure of. He doesn't come around here anymore, my boys have pretty much stopped asking about Uncle Ted. I know a lot of it is the psycho girlfriend he is with. She's even got him to stop getting his kids like he used to. I think my brother is mad too, because I still talk to his ex, my ex-sister in law. How else does he expect me to see my niece and nephew? She did nothing wrong to me, and she was my maid of honor when I got married. I should just pretend she doesn't exist?

I'm so tired of eating hot dogs or dippy eggs for supper. Dennis is in pain every day from heel spurs. His 2 year old work boots and his inability to afford the medication is why he has to put up with it. Dennis drove the van to work last week and will be driving it again this week because the tires on his car are not at all safe. The belts are showing and there is a buldge in the one. He can't even afford junk yard tires right now. I could go on and on, but it's so embarrassing.

We've been through so much in the past few months, that it's a wonder that we are still together. The stress in this house on a daily basis is just unreal. Dennis and I both agree that there is no such thing as divorce, and we both also agree that fighting about money won't solve anything. I am truly grateful for what we do have, there are some that have even less. This is yet another bump in the road, and we will get over it, hopefully soon. I think one of the only things that is saving my sanity right now is that the bills are being paid. We're paying more than normal because we have to try to catch up and prevent disconnection. Once they are caught up, the struggle won't be so bad. I'm hoping too, that I will start to receive the child support payments that I am owed from Trevor's dead-beat dad. I went an entire month without a payment and that certainly didn't help any. That's a whole other story!

I feel like I could just spill and spill my guts tonight, but I tend to ramble. I like the idea of having this blog to get this stuff off of my chest, but at the same time, I don't want the people that read it to think any less or differently of me. I'm trying pretend that no one else will read it, in hopes that the worries of what others think will go away. I struggle with these sorts of things and so many times I don't post because of my worries. I will be strong tonight and hit the post now button and will continue to just get this stuff off of my chest and hopefully it will make me feel better. Believe me, there is more to get out!! UGGH!!