Sunday, February 22, 2009

A weird sort of day...

I'm not sure how to describe the mood I'm in today. I'm sad, yet I'm happy. I'm hurting for those that are hurting around me, yet I'm glad that I am there to give comfort where it's needed.

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of my Nanny Highland's passing. I know she wouldn't want me to be sad, but I can't help but miss her so much. I am thankful for the memories I have, but sad that she didn't get to meet my twins. I know she would have adored them and they would have adored her. I tell them about her and I have pictures of her on my wall. My boys know that she is, "Nanny Highland" and I've told them so much about her.

I know Nanny wouldn't want me to be sad but I can't help but remember the night she had to go. I got the phone call that Nanny wasn't doing well and I got into my Honda and cried the whole way to the house. I was listening to a Dixie Chicks CD, wondering about what was to come that night, crying, not wanting to lose her but wanting her to be free of her ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease). No more suffering. When I got to the house, she was already gone. The family sat there, together, mourning such a great loss. I don't think it really sunk in right away to Pappy or he was trying so hard to hide his sadness. It was an indescribable experience for me, having all of my aunts and uncles, my grandfather, and my dad all together, as a family, supporting each other in our sadness. The closeness, love, and comfort was sureal.

Reflecting on that night and seeing the difference in my family today is just heart wrenching. Seven years later, we had to say goodbye to Pappy Highland. He went to be with Nanny. It brings me to tears, today, that it is almost 3 years since his passing and the family couldn't be more divided. The house, that was once filled with love and the smell of Nanny's Sunday dinner now sits mostly empty. Just a few of Nanny and Pappy's possessions sit in piles on the floor. Waiting. Just thinking of it, is like mourning my losses all over again. You can't put a price on some things, no matter what their worth in money. Memories and things that Nanny and Pappy once had are now just sitting there all because the family is in disagreement. I don't like to choose sides and it's not my battle, but I can't help but be torn up inside just thinking how upsetting this would be to my grandparents.

I know I've been bad with keeping up, and I probably don't have many readers, but if there is anyone out there that's made it this far, please pray for my family. We need resolution. When the house does finally sell, we will be mourning another loss. I wish it wouldn't have to be dragged out like this, prolonging the pain.